Hey Thoreau.: Perfect Little Me.

5th grade:

I loved to play kickball and swing during recess. My favorite subject in school was reading and it was that subject that brought me to my best friend that I still have today. I didn't wear a bra, I didn't go shopping for myself, I didn't do my hair, I didn't care if my clothes fit perfectly; I just loved what I loved.

6th grade:

This was a whole new world to me. I actually had to switch classrooms for different subjects, and I realized that I was a very disorganized person. This was the year that I met the greatest, meanest, scariest, and most challenging teacher I have ever had. She is what inspired me to become a middle school English teach, and inspires me to do great in whatever I do.

7th grade:

The year I started to enter puberty. I was self conscious about absolutely everything. I needed 'cool' friends, 'cool' clothes, my hair had to be perfect, makeup... how do I even use it? I was embarrassed out of my mind about the stupidest things. Co-ed gym suddenly became the most nerve racking class of the day because boys would be looking at whatyouwearwhatyousaywhatyoudowhoyouhangoutwithblahblahblahblahspazzspazzspazz.

8th grade:

The first time I ever wanted to try-out for cheerleading. But joining the squad was guaranteed social-suicide because every girl was socially awkward and the squad wasn't taken seriously by anybody. I told my friend that I wanted to join and she laughed, "aww wittle cheerweader Lou Lou, how cute. Are you seriously going to do it?" then I said "Nah, I'm just kidding." What was happening to me? Just a few years ago I would've joined in a heartbeat and wouldn't think twice about other people. Instead of cheerleading, I got a boyfriend who was captain of the soccer team. That was cool enough... right?

fast forward to 11th grade:

I got over the whole "I have to be seen with these people" and just hung out with whoever I wanted, a step in the right direction. I made some great friends during high school, some I think I'll keep in contact with for a long time. I was doing cheerleading, being made fun of, but having the time of my life anyway. Now I had other problems. My thighs were a lot bigger than I wanted them to be, my boobs weren't growing like they were supposed to, my clothes were whatever my mother bought me for christmas, and I would never dare wear a bathing suit in front of anyone else. I would find myself looking at the girl next to me and comparing myself to her. "She has confidence because she has a pretty body... she doesn't care what anyone else thinks of her because of that body" or it was "At least I don't have acne like that girl... why doesn't she take care of that problem?" What was I doing? I'm a nice person, but I look back and I have no idea why I ever acted like that.

12th grade:

I got into my first choice college. I won 2 scholarships; one for being one of the most motivated students going into the education major, the other for having the best 'moral character' of my class. I was captain of cheerleading, I was community fair Queen, I had a wonderful boyfriend, I had friends, I had a car, I was taking dance classes. I had everything I ever wanted but I still was so hard on my body, I still compared myself to other "better" girls, I wouldn't tell anyone where I was going to school because "they" were going somewhere "better", I wasn't being myself around people who didn't matter anyway. I had everything... but everything else mattered more.

Freshman year of college:

I deleted my Facebook because someone had hacked it so bad that I lost a potential job over it, I was getting angry messages from people I didn't know, and people were shouting obscene words at me all over campus. My first year of college is almost over and I reflect back on it and cringe. I was so worried about what all these new people would think of me that it almost consumed everything I did. I didn't try out for cheerleading last semester even though my brain was screaming "BUT YOU LOVE IT! DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE!", because they were 'slutty party whores' and they were only 'ok' at cheerleading. I felt the need to dress up to go out to parties because that's what everyone else did, but then the houses and parties would be super gross and not worth the makeup. Even at this small school I was desperate to make friends, I almost think I tried too hard. I will never know because I'm embarrassed for myself about the way I acted.

You'd think I'd learn because I'm 19 and not some pre-pubescent mood swinging crazy girl. I'm supposed to be a sophisticated young lady whose confident in all of my endeavors while trying to better myself at a place of higher education... right?

This week my roommates grandmother died at age 50. That's what made me think. I can waste all of my time thinking about how to have the perfect body, attract the right people, and wear the best clothes (whatever those terms even mean), but in the end life doesn't care if you have thunder thighs or the perfect bikini body, it happens whether you're ready or not. You can die donning a Lord & Taylor dress, or you can die in sweatpants. My goal for next year is to just relax and focus on me first and the only things that should improve are my grades.

I need to trade one cliche for another. Instead of 'snobby cheerleader' I need to 'believe in myself'.

In fact, I need to love myself. For everything I know I am.

You should too. I want you too.

Lou